"Hi, my name is Carrie, I'm 27, and I like to blog and do youtube in my spare time". I started as I stared at myself awkwardly, swaying back and forth, left to right, as my anxiety slowly crept up from my stomach to my chest, as I twiddled my thumbs in hopes that she wouldn't make me do it again.
"Nope," I am not convinced she stated.
"Do you have a Youtube? Do you have a blog?"
I mumbled, "Yes" to my therapist.
"Carrie these aren't things you do in your spare time, you are a Youtuber, you are a blogger."
She stated as she began to give me one of her sincerest, heartfelt, reads she often gives me any time I start to shrink myself or begin to crawl back into my tiny box where I feel the safest.
See my little box I feel most at home it isn't just four walls, you see I turned this place into a palace. My safe haven was decked the hell out. I mean Pinterest and Instagram worthy, and I didn't mind spending the majority of my time there unharmed by anyone's opinions and judgments.
I begin to breathe in and out slowly looking back into the mirror, anxiety peeking even more as I open my lips and say, "Hi my name is Carrie, I'm 27 years old, I am a YouTuber, blogger, and work as a claims adjuster".
There I did it, I said it, I was pretty damn proud of myself, but as I look over to my therapist, she was not impressed because she knew as well as I, myself understood I could do so much better. I was speaking as if I was a robot, and each word came out unenthused, my sentences were filled with absolutely nothing at all. You see for so long I have convinced myself that what I did was just a little hobby, nothing of much importance, just something that I dibbled and dabbled in, out of fear that once I claim it as something more I would have to own my talent. I got so used to shrinking myself out of fear that others would receive me as arrogant as many have done so based off of merely seeing me without getting to know me. Showcasing myself takes me out of my little box and exposes me to the opinions of others, the pressures of others, and the unrealistic expectations I place on myself. Life is so much easier when you are confined to these four walls. I spend my time doodling on them, plotting, planning, and dreaming of all of these fantastic ideas to leave them drawn out left trapped inside this tiny box of mines I call "home." It is like staring outside of the window, watching the other kids play outside, and you wish you were with them. Those kids are the people I see who have decided to go for it, and they decided to step out of their box, hell some of them got rid of it completely. This piece is an open letter to myself, and I know there's greatness inside of me. I am too damn creative to watch others enjoy themselves as I stare outside of this window.
Some of you guys maybe like me, you've enjoyed your little box and gotten a bit too comfortable. You scroll on social media and often wonder what could happen if you would go for it, I saw a meme recently that read something along the lines of, "You should never be too scared just to do it, Burger King is out here making tacos"! If that doesn't slap you in the face, I don't know what will. So let's both stop looking out the window, and let's go outside, do you want to play?
With Love,
XoXo CarrieSierra